In a groundbreaking study that has left the world both excited and slightly disappointed, top scientists from the Institute of Barely Believable Research have unveiled their long-awaited findings on the elusive secret to eternal youth. After years of tireless research, countless experiments, and what we’re told was a significant amount of pondering over wrinkle creams, the solution is now clear: simply drink more water and avoid mirrors at all costs.

The research team, led by Dr. Ima Joking, embarked on this ambitious project inspired by ancient myths, celebrity beauty regimes, and the seemingly ageless glow of vampires in popular culture. For years, humanity has been grappling with this eternal question, leaving no stone unturned—from bizarre snake oils to the more recent trend of cryogenic naps. But it turns out, the answer was hiding in plain sight.

The breakthrough came during an epiphany-induced lunch break, where it dawned on the researchers that the human body is, in fact, composed of about 60% water. Upon this realization, they hypothesized that perhaps the secret to looking young wasn’t found in needle-infested treatments or pixelated skincare filters, but in the simple act of proper hydration.

“Throughout the study, the participants who consumed more water than what could seemingly fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool reported looking and feeling up to 92% younger,” noted Dr. Joking. “We also noticed a significant correlation between water consumption and the ability to tackle the New York Times crossword in record time, but that’s a separate study.”

But why avoid mirrors, you ask? The team discovered that regular exposure to reflective surfaces can cause what they’ve coined as “age perception distortion.” In other words, mirrors reflect our own perception of age back to us, often magnifying minor imperfections that the caffeinated eye otherwise misses. Their advice is to only check your reflection when absolutely necessary, and even then, only at dusk, under candlelight, or during a power outage.

The research is backed by a series of highly controlled trials, where participants lived in a mirror-free environment and followed a hydration regimen that would make even a camel envious. Interestingly, family members reported their loved ones appeared more youthful, though they admitted they were also less aware of their true hair color as all combs were subsequently confiscated.

Despite the findings, skeptics remain. Some critics have boldly claimed this is nothing but an elaborate strategy by water companies to boost sales, labeling it “H2Whoa!” Others protest the apparent slander of beloved reflective surfaces, forming the Coalition for the Ethical Treatment of Mirrors. Nevertheless, many have willingly embraced the study, fervently purchasing pitchers and singing the praises of newly developed peripheral vision skills.

The real-world implications of these findings are monumental. While we aren’t promising you’ll magically revert to your high school metabolism or dodge taxes, we are suggesting that with a full glass in hand and your walk-in closet door sealed shut, you might just feel a little bit lighter, a little bit brighter, and who knows, possibly immortal until proven otherwise.

In the words of Dr. Joking, “May your reflections be few and your glasses ever full.” Cheers to a timeless existence!