In a bold move that has left both the business and mythical creature communities buzzing, the CEO of Valhalla Enterprises, Harold J. Fantasmo, unveiled an audacious new vision to expand the company’s holdings into the largely untapped realms of unicorn farming and lunar cheese production.
At a press conference that felt more like a Harry Potter convention crossed with a NASA launch, Fantasmo strode onto the stage wearing a glittering cape and holding what appeared to be a unicorn horn, though it was later identified as a rhinoceros limb wrapped in tinfoil. “We’ve conquered the world of mundane business,” he declared, “now it’s time to conquer the realms of imagination and celestial dairy!”
The first phase of this visionary plan involves establishing unicorn farms across the world’s rainbow-prone regions. “Our research strongly suggests unicorns flourish in climates where rainbows are as common as Wifi connectivity,” stated Fantasmo. “Ireland, Scotland, and oddly enough, Las Vegas during EDM festivals, are prime locations.”
The company is allegedly in talks with leprechauns, fairies, and other industrious magical folk to staff the farms, though negotiations have reportedly stalled over demands for twenty-four-carat gold dental plans. PETA, meanwhile, is preparing a campaign in protest, albeit somewhat puzzled given that unicorns are fictional.
The second, and perhaps more cosmic phase, is the development of moon cheese factories. “The moon, as everyone knows from children’s literature and conspiracy theories, is made of cheese,” Fantasmo explained with the enthusiasm of a child who just discovered how magnets work. “We plan to make the first round-trip dairy transport from the Sea of Tranquility to cheddar-hungry markets worldwide.”
Valhalla Enterprises has already invested a substantial part of its budget in building an interstellar cheese-certified spacecraft, affectionately named The Gouda-father, which promises to take dairy products where none have gone before. “We’ll corner the space cheese market before Elon Musk even realizes there’s cheddar on Mars,” quipped Fantasmo with a grin that’s been described as sly-yet-familial.
Critics have dismissed the plans as nothing more than a whimsical flight of fancy, with one leading economist dryly observing, “It’s ambitious, in the same way trying to domesticate house cats for synchronized swimming is ambitious.”
Perhaps most charming of all is that included in the strategy is a commitment to ensuring the moon cheese remains both lactose-free and gluten-free, effectively solving dietary restrictions from outer space. At the conference’s conclusion, guests were treated to tantalizing samples of “Proto-Moon Melt,” though these were later discovered to be just regular cheese cubes from a local supermarket.
As the press conference wrapped up, one reporter ventured to ask Fantasmo what the company’s shareholders thought of these ventures. To which he replied with a twinkle in his eye, “They’re over the moon.”