In an intergalactic turn of events, a coalition of extraterrestrial civilizations has united to file a formal complaint against the name “Milky Way,” which they claim perpetuates a galactic dairy agenda. The aliens, hailing from the distant star system of Lacton-5, are petitioning to have our galaxy renamed to the “Almond Free Galaxy,” arguing that the current title is misleading and troubling for those with lactose intolerance.

According to Zog, the spokesperson for the Interstellar Coalition for Lactose-Free Nomenclature (ICLFN), the term “Milky Way” is a dairy-centric relic of an outdated cosmic nomenclature. “Our friends and family have long suffered from galactic gas issues every time we whisper ‘Milky Way.’ It is neither fair nor accurate!” Zog declared at an extraterrestrial press conference, which was accidentally live-streamed on Earth thanks to a certain satellite technician who left his lunch on the wrong button.

Reports indicate the aliens first became aware of the issue after intercepting Earthly signals featuring commercials for a popular chocolate bar that shares the galaxy’s controversial name. Their councils of lactose-sensitive beings were reportedly baffled about why a planet would associate such a gargantuan celestial structure with something so simple as a creamy confectionery item.

Public reactions from Earth’s dairy-free groups were initially positive. “Finally, someone with a backbone has taken a stand against the blatant milk-ocracy that’s polluted our skies,” said Elaina Skim, president of the local advocacy group Vegan Baking Outer Space Help (VBOSH). “The fact that it took alien intervention really makes you question the strength of Earth’s lactose-free lobbying.”

Opposition, however, has not been quiet. The United Dairy Farmers of Earth (UDFE) released a statement arguing that the galaxy’s name should remain intact to honor Earth’s rich history of milkshakes and mozzarella. “The Milky Way is a testament to the universal appeal of creamy beverages and cheeses,” noted Chairman Charles Cheddar. “Besides, if we entertain negotiators from beyond the stars, what next? Rename the Andromeda galaxy to the ‘Soyrifica Nebula?'”

Proponents for the galactic rebranding have suggested a compromise, proposing names like “Galactic Grand” or “The Cosmos Formerly Known As Milky.” These more neutral titles strive to unify milk enthusiasts and opponents alike, but achieving consensus remains a distant dream—much like getting teenagers to wash the dishes.

Meanwhile, Zog and the members of ICLFN are prepared to escalate their petition to the Intergalactic Judiciary, confident that their legal team—composed mainly of mind-reading cephalopods—will triumph over these Earth-centric naming conventions. As the debate churns (lactose-free, of course), the petition continues to gain momentum in corners of the universe known for favoring almond milk over black holes.

So, will our starry home soon bask under a new, dairy-free title? Only time will tell. For now, Earthlings can only look to the skies with a smile, pondering the cosmic comedy of it all, and perhaps, sip on an oat milk latte as they stargaze.