In a cosmic kerfuffle that has left Earth’s finest negotiators scratching their heads, representatives from the Extraterrestrial Union (EU)—not to be confused with the one in Brussels—have officially requested that Earth return the Moon, claiming it was “borrowed without permission” back in 1969.
The delegation of aliens, resembling a cross between glow sticks and disco balls, appeared unannounced at the United Nations yesterday, though they did politely wait until all human delegates had finished their coffee and spreadsheets. Their leader, Zogblark, who spoke perfect English with a delightful hint of a Jupiter accent, clarified the astronomical beef. He insisted that when humans landed on the Moon, they inadvertently triggered a cosmic lease agreement they didn’t know existed.
“Our records show that you picked up the Moon for a test drive on July 20, 1969,” Zogblark explained while handing NASA’s confused liaison a celestial receipt that seemed to be printed on some sort of stardust-infused parchment. “The agreement clearly states ‘no human shall abscond with celestial bodies or face a fine of one hundred thousand intergalactic Starbucks lattes.'”
Shocked by this revelation, Earth’s leaders quickly convened to discuss the ramifications. A NASA spokesperson, trying to maintain composure despite the odd circumstance, assured the press that they had no idea the Moon was on loan. “We honestly thought it was another case of finders keepers,” he said, nervously eyeing an alien who was attempting to photobomb from the window with all thirty of its eyes.
The demand for the Moon’s return has sparked a series of plans from world leaders to show good faith. The UK proposed crafting a replica Moon out of cheese wheels from Gloucestershire, a suggestion met with some concerned winces from the EU (again, not the one in Brussels). Meanwhile, North Korea has reportedly offered to supply fireworks to celebrate the “re-parking” of the Moon, perhaps misunderstanding the gravity of the situation.
Social media, as expected, exploded with memes and speculative theories, the most popular being a proposition to replace the Moon with a colossal disco ball. This received a surprisingly positive response from millennials and aliens alike, suggesting a bipartisan appreciation for shiny things and groovy beats.
Meanwhile, environmentalists voiced their concerns, questioning how the sudden shift in lunar custody would affect Earth’s tides, while conspiracy theorists saw this as the perfect opportunity to protest “Big Space-Rock.” The flat-Earth crowd, on the other hand, merely shrugged, content in their belief that the Moon is simply an elaborate government painting.
In an unexpected turn of events, billionaire tech mogul Elon Musk has volunteered to spearhead talks with the aliens, offering a tearful three-hour presentation titled “What the Moon Means To Me.” Initial reports indicate that Musk also casually offered the onboard snack reserves of a few current Mars missions as a peace offering, noting that “space chips” always bring creatures together.
As humanity ponders a future potentially bereft of our closest celestial neighbor, one thing is clear—the universe continues to be full of surprises, even if they come with a lunar eviction notice. Until then, Earth’s late-night musicians and werewolves are advised to make the most of our pale, glowing buddy in the sky while bureaucrats and aliens hash it out over cosmic coffee.