In a surprising yet strangely amusing revelation, NASA officials have confessed to turning the International Space Station (ISS) into what can only be described as the universe’s most sophisticated bug zapper. It appears that the orbiting research facility has been doubling up as a high-tech alien flytrap for the past decade, and nobody on Earth noticed until now.
The revelation came to light during what was supposed to be a routine press conference about solar panels, but when the microphone picked up a hushed conversation about “bug-catching protocols,” journalists’ curiosity was piqued.
“We’ve been using the ISS as a decoy to attract curious extraterrestrial life,” explained Dr. Carl Zapperson, head of NASA’s rather clandestine Cosmic Pest Control Unit. “The idea was to see if we could capture any rogue space aliens who got too close for comfort. Who knew that leaving breadcrumbs of radioactive cheeseburgers and subliminal ‘Welcome to Earth’ signs would be so effective?”
Dr. Zapperson went on to share that the ISS’s transformation into an alien trap wasn’t just an after-hours whim of scientists with a weird sense of humor, but rather a well-planned operation funded by various global space agencies, who all agreed that discovering life forms with an appetite for curiosity—and maybe a penchant for french fries—was the next best alternative to sending polite radio waves into the cosmos.
Intriguingly, evidence of several unexpected alien encounters had been hidden in plain sight all along. Those mysterious lights seen buzzing around the ISS on the odd astronaut live stream? “Just little critters,” one scientist admitted with a shrug. The seemingly random odd lights have now been identified as SpaceMosquitos, who despite their size, pack quite the punch with their attempts to break into the terrestrial snack bar on board.
Adding to the hilarity, it has been revealed that astronauts living on the ISS had become adept at alien wrangling. According to Major Jeffrey Hoaxkins, an astronaut who recently returned from his space hitch, “Wrangling aliens is less about lassos and yakking yeehaw and more about the well-placed cheese slices. We’re going to create the first Intergalactic Nuisance Removal Handbook based on our experiences.”
The launching of the ISS as a leisure spot for extraterrestrials marks a new era of hilarity in space exploration not seen since the days Buzz Lightyear insisted on going “to infinity and beyond.” The unclassified Alien Capturing Initiative, as it is now called, has even led to the establishment of the Extraterrestrial Fairness Committee to ensure that all captured critters are treated humanely with a hefty supply of cookies and cartoons.
One can’t help but wonder if the aliens’ version of a travel blog might mention Earth as “a quirky blue planet that offers luxurious accommodations, occasional zero-gravity chase games, and as much Tex-Mex-delivery as you can fit in a docking hatch.”
The world waits in anticipation for the first alien Yelp review of our humble earthly abode. Until then, we can rest assured knowing the ISS stands as a testament to humanity’s most delightful combination of profound curiosity about outer space and comical attempts to invite that space—and all its curious critters—right in for tea and biscuits.