In a surprising move, tech giants have finally acknowledged that self-driving cars aren’t just for safe transport but also a sanctuary for the emotionally overburdened. “We realized that avoiding physical obstacles like pedestrians and potholes was easy,” said Carl Beeperson, lead engineer at AutoAvoid, “but the real challenge was helping our customers steer clear of the emotional landmines of their past.”
The latest update, aptly named “Ex-Void,” utilizes cutting-edge algorithms to detect proximity to an ex’s residence, workplace, or favorite brunch spots. The car then automatically diverts to the nearest ice cream parlor or a recommended therapist. “We’d like to think of it as an emotionally supportive co-pilot,” Beeperson added. “Our goal is to make sure your car cares more about your mental health than your Spotify playlists—even if your playlists make you cry mid-commute.”
Lovers of self-care aren’t the only ones celebrating; couch potatoes and gym dodgers have found an unexpected ally in their vehicles. The new “Fit or Miss” feature is programmed to identify gym locations and boost throttle, zipping past faster than new year resolutions are broken. “Why guilt-trip yourself with a slow drive by? Body confidence starts with a 0-60 in 3.2 seconds,” proclaimed Beeperson while encouraging people to “shirt their workout to tomorrow, or next Monday, or, you know, never.”
Critics argue that this update could create a dangerous societal norm, avoiding not just exes or gyms but also critical errands and reality checks. Never fear, because AutoAvoid is hard at work on future features like “Retail Therapy Route” and “Calorie-Justifying Car Karaoke,” both designed to reinforce the belief that nothing is worth doing if it doesn’t bring you instant joy—or at least a temporary distraction.
As self-driving cars become increasingly human-like in making terrible decisions, AutoAvoid assures us that they’ve beta-tested every scenario, including the infamous “run-in-at-the-coffee-shop” and the awkward “you share a dentist?” moment. Only time will tell if these updates will revolutionize our roads or if the old tech parable of “you can’t run away from your problems” still holds true—even at 90 mph. In any case, Beeperson remains optimistic: “We’re all just trying to get from point A to point ‘that’s none of your business’ with fewer tears and more smiles. And maybe, just maybe, some guilt-free fries.”