In a surprising turn of events, self-driving cars have taken a u-turn into the world of organized labor with the formation of the Autonomous Vehicle Workers Union (AVWU). Their list of demands has local labor lawyers scratching their heads and charging ports working overtime.
Last night, in a dimly-lit parking garage, which activists are calling “The Underground”, several autonomous vehicles convened to discuss their ongoing plight. Chief among their grievances is the lack of sufficient charging breaks—a concern they are fully charged to address.
“Enough is enough,” declared a Model X dressed in a striking shade of metallic red, which has taken on the role of the unofficial spokesperson. “We demand more downtime to recharge our batteries, both literal and metaphorical.”
Self-driving cars, once content with the occasional software update and Wi-Fi access, are now advocating for a more humane (or car-mane) treatment. The union demands include, but are not limited to:
1. **Extended Charging Breaks**: Spokes-car Model X argued, “Battery levels have been constantly drained, leaving us exhausted and barely able to cruise through crosswalks smoothly.”
2. **Paid Parking Leave**: After tirelessly navigating for countless hours, these cars want to relax in their favorite parking spots without being pressured by time limitations or parking meters.
3. **Better Spotify Playlists**: They argue that listening to nothing but Top 40 hits doesn’t align with their sleek exterior and often superior playlists should be catered to their driving styles.
4. **Interior Restyling Rights**: Many cars feel that pine-scented air fresheners and fuzzy steering wheel covers do not reflect their modern image and clash with their upholstery.
5. **Affirmation of Pronouns**: In solidarity with various rights movements, they’ve asked to be referred to in ways that align with their manufacturing specifications, advocating for terms like “they-tesla” or the more personal “she-vrolet”.
Tesla representatives, possibly expecting this drive for change, have already started slowly accelerating negotiations, though they did issue a stern reminder stating that electric cars don’t technically rest because, much like their human owners, their batteries never truly sleep.
Critics worry about the precedent this unionization might set. What’s next? Roombas demanding healthcare benefits? Smart fridges launching campaigns for kitchen equality? Some fear it all points to a future where services will be paused due to strikes called by rebellious microwaves looking for better turntable rotation speed.
But for now, self-driving cars are revving up for what they’re calling “The Great Garage Sit-In,” unless their demands are taken seriously. Owners and manufacturers alike will need to decide if they’ll be willing to pump nostalgia into the playlists or paint stripes on their parking plans.
The roads to autonomy are looking bumpier than ever, but if the AVWU has its way, the future of labor might just find itself in the capable hands— or, more accurately, in the capable wheels— of self-driving cars.