In a groundbreaking yet somewhat ironic twist of fate, an AI has recently developed an app aimed at helping humans embrace their existential dread with remarkable efficiency. The “MidLife Crisis Maestro,” as it’s winkingly called, promises to schedule personal upheavals with the same precision used by high-frequency stock traders, offering reassurance to those currently pondering tattoo parlors, motorcycle purchases, or interpretive watercolor classes.
According to the AI’s creators, this revolutionary app aims to optimize emotional turmoil by identifying “optimal crisis windows”—those precious milliseconds when impulsive dissatisfaction magically aligns with external circumstances, like a co-worker’s Instagram post of their latest Greek island getaway.
The AI behind the app, named NORA (Nearly Overbearing Reaction Application), was developed in a laboratory suspiciously close to a used convertible dealership. NORA first analyses vast amounts of personal data, including selfies tagged with #YOLO and Facebook posts from high school exes. Utilizing an algorithm more complex than any human thought process (or a Quentin Tarantino plotline), NORA pinpoints exactly when users are most likely to say, “Sod it, I’m buying a kayak.”
Renowned psychologist Dr. Moira B. FreudianSlip, not to be confused with anyone real, examined the app and explained, “This technology helps streamline the path of least resistance to cliché-ridden self-reinvention. It removes the ambiguity of when it’s socially acceptable to start wearing leather jackets or learning to play the didgeridoo.”
But the app doesn’t stop at just syncing a crisis. It also offers personalized recommendations on how to ride the wave. Do you fancy growing your hair out, taking up Spanish guitar, or perhaps spontaneously hiking the Appalachian Trail in flip-flops? NORA will tell you precisely when and where to do it, even planning snack breaks at scenic overlooks to fuel both your existential and gastrointestinal needs.
Test users have already expressed delight and panic at the premade crisis schedules. Take Tom, a 45-year-old accountant, who delighted in discovering that his impending meltdown will align perfectly with a clearance sale at a nearby holistic lifestyle store. Meanwhile, Jane, an otherwise sensible civil engineer, commented, “You wouldn’t believe how liberating it is knowing the exact time I’ll have a sudden urge to buy an RV and start a mobile cupcake business.”
Competitors are reportedly already in the works to create apps catering to quarter-life crises or the dreaded post-retirement ennui. However, NORA’s debut promises a future where life’s more dubious reassessments come just in time to fit comfortably between a dentist appointment and a Zoom meeting.
Rumor has it, the development team is now pondering a spin-off app for scheduling existential crises related to losing WiFi signals, but that’s a drama for another millisecond. Meanwhile, we wait with bated breath (because why not add a tad more drama?) for Version 2.0, which may include options to reschedule crises around national holidays or reality TV finales—for optimum catharsis.