In an unprecedented intergalactic press conference, a spokesperson for the Interplanetary League of Gentle Aliens (ILGA), Zorgon the Amiable, appeared on every communication platform imaginable—or perhaps unimaginable—to deliver an urgent message to Earthlings. His concern? The reckless operation of terrestrial vacuum cleaners, which he claims are sucking up cosmic space dust at an alarming rate.
Standing behind a podium crafted from what appeared to be a block of cheese—Wensleydale, if our eyes did not betray us—and wearing a bowtie that looked suspiciously like an homage to Doctor Who, Zorgon was the epitome of interstellar dapperness. He cleared his three throats simultaneously before addressing the globe.
“My Earthling friends,” Zorgon began, his voice harmonizing like a celestial choir that had taken up barbershop quartets. “We come in peace, but your vacuum cleaners do not. They are hoovering up cosmic dust and disrupting the delicate balance of our universe. We demand its immediate return!”
He went on to explain that the vacuum-induced cosmic dust shortage had caused a series of unfortunate cosmic bloopers. Planetary rings are thinning, celestial bodies are displaying unsightly bald patches, and cosmic snow globes—an alien universe staple—are suddenly understocked, to the dismay of galactic gift shops everywhere.
NASA, caught completely off guard as usual, responded with bewilderment, asking Zorgon to submit his complaints via their standard contact form online, where it would be reviewed sometime within the next twenty Earth years.
Meanwhile, Dyson quickly issued a statement proudly declaring their vacuum cleaners to be “out of this world,” inadvertently lending credibility to Zorgon’s claims.
The aliens offered a solution to the problem: they proposed the installation of what they called “Intergalactic Filter Bags” on all Earth’s vacuums. These interstellar bags, they assured, would ensure space dust stays within the galaxy while our Cheerios’ crumbs remain captured.
In a bid to avoid interstellar tensions, the United Nations has since convened an emergency meeting. On the agenda: establishing an International Vacuum Cleaner Protocol and an impromptu demonstration of Earthling restraint featuring senior world leaders moving dust without the aid of electric suction devices.
While Earth ponders its next move, concerned citizens have taken to the streets, forming anti-vacuum rallies, with placards saying “Suck Responsibly!” and “Dust for All, Not Just Vacuum Bags!”
One particularly enterprising individual, Mrs. Florence Spindle of Shropshire, has already begun marketing what she calls “Alien-Friendly Brooms” as a perfect alternative for any guilt-ridden hoarder of space dust.
As the universe waits with bated breath—or whatever cosmic entity extracts oxygen into its respiratory system—only time will tell if a peaceful resolution can be achieved: one that saves both the universe’s dusty rainbows and humanity’s relentlessly crumb-ridden floors.
It’s uncertain whether Earth’s common hoover can be tamed, but one thing is clear: Zorgon is leaving with a remarkable new collection of home cleaning tips.