In a groundbreaking study that is already being hailed as the greatest scientific discovery since someone decided to turn grapes into wine, researchers at the Institute of Advanced Napping and Midnight Snacking (IANMS) have announced findings that are set to redefine our mornings—and perhaps the entire human experience. According to the study, the simple act of indulging in a second breakfast can double your levels of happiness instantly.
At a press conference filled with eager journalists munching on croissants, lead researcher Dr. Eloise P. Fullbelly revealed the results of an extensive three-year investigation into the benefits of repetitive cereal consumption. “For centuries, humanity has been suspicious of the lingering desire for not one, but two breakfasts,” Dr. Fullbelly stated, gesturing to a slide of a smiling cartoon bacon strip. “We can now affirm that longing as not gluttony, but biological brilliance.”
The study, which involved monitoring the mood and vitality of over 10,000 guinea pigs, er, participants, found that those who started their day with the traditional first breakfast, followed by a second breakfast an hour later, consistently reported experiencing what can only be described as “a life of unparalleled joy and satisfaction.”
“When people first hear about the idea of two breakfasts, they naturally worry about the effects on their waistline. But our study shows that those who enjoy a morning feast times two are not only happier but make statistically more optimistic life choices,” Dr. Fullbelly commented while tucking into her second bagel of the morning. “Like opting for a third breakfast.”
Participants in the study ranged from stressed-out college students to frazzled CEOs. All reported a significant drop in pre-lunch anger levels, commonly known as “hangriness.” One participant, Rob Breakfastovich, went on record to say, “Once I embraced the second breakfast lifestyle, my life transformed. Even Mondays feel like Fridays. I even invited my long-lost brother back to live with us. Let’s hope second breakfast also cures oversharing!”
Advertisers and marketing agencies are already lining up to cash in on this culinary epiphany. Cafes have begun offering ‘Breakfast Encore’ menus, while cereal brands are doubling down on their promotional slogans, suggesting there’s no reason not to “Snap it! Crackle it! Pop it…again!”
However, not everyone is ready to get on board the breakfast train just yet. Nutritionist Marina No-More-Carbs warns, “Moderation is key. We can’t ignore the potential for an exponential increase in toast-related injuries or spoon mishaps.”
In a world increasingly fraught with stressors like double-shot espressos or remembering multiple passwords, the simplicity of a warm, bountiful second breakfast is capturing hearts and bringing smiles everywhere.
With second breakfast set to become the norm, experts wonder about the ripple effects this may have on society. Will office meeting times shift to accommodate this new meal? Will cereal stocks soar? And what happens to brunch—a meal that refuses to be left without a cause or publicist?
One thing is for certain: the humble second breakfast is no longer a secret confined to the Shire. As this delicious development gains momentum, people around the globe are saying “Pass the pancakes. It’s breakfast time!”—again.