In an intergalactic twist that has left Earth’s astronomers and librarians equally baffled, representatives from the Andromeda Galaxy Federation (AGF) landed at the United Nations headquarters in New York yesterday, expressing concerns over an astronomical overdue fee for the “borrowed” Moon. Negotiations were abruptly interrupted when one of the alien delegates realized that the UN building bears absolutely no resemblance to a “proper library” and demanded directions to the nearest public lending facility.
The extraterrestrial delegation, led by a seven-foot-tall being who goes by the name Zorgon the Impatient, claimed that the Moon was checked out by Earth approximately 4.5 billion years ago. “We have proof,” Zorgon declared, holding up what appeared to be a very ancient and dusty interstellar library card. “Late fees are currently accruing at a rate comparable to your national debts.”
NASA and SpaceX have taken to Twitter to reassure conspiracy theorists that the Moon is firmly ours, while a spokesman from the Planetary Library System explained to AGF that overdue library materials are typically dealt with by sternly-worded letters and not alien invasions. Meanwhile, world leaders gathered at the UN were left scratching their heads, unsure whether to offer a formal apology or renew their library cards.
“We were literally about to announce a new Moon mission!” sputtered one befuddled scientist who wished to remain anonymous. “Turns out, we might need to pivot that budget to pay off a late fee. I just hope it’s not accruing interest rates comparable to credit cards.”
The announcement has sent waves through the world of amateur astronomy. Several backyard enthusiasts showed up at the UN with picnic baskets full of cheese, hoping to negotiate with the aliens by providing the obviously cheese-loving galactic borrowers a taste of what we believe the Moon is made of. Those faithful to cheese-eating tales valiantly defended Earth’s obvious culinary ownership, much to the bewilderment of the alien representatives.
In an ironic twist, the most furious responses appeared from Earth’s libraries, taking great offense that they were bypassed on the consultation: “We would never lose track of something as big as the Moon!” declared Beatrice Bookstack, librarian from Muncie, Indiana. Her team is reportedly penning a rather strongly-worded email to AGF, suggesting they improve their checkout procedures.
Conversations reportedly broke down when Zorgon attempted to scan Earth’s barcodes with a standard library scanner, which unfortunately zapped a nearby vending machine instead, unleashing a cascade of stale, yet fervently purchased chocolate bars.
As the AGF representatives left Earth in a huff — or as close to a huff as a being with three noses and twelve eyes can manage — Zorgon the Impatient left behind a singular, cryptic message: “We’ll be back once you’ve fixed your decimal system… and perhaps learned how to make a decent cuppa.”
Earth’s leaders are, for now, relieved, though debates over potential reclassification of Moon real estate remain vibrant. Until further notice, the Moon remains firmly in place in our sky, albeit now under late-night watch by clandestine squadron librarians, wagging fingers at any space-faring intruders.