In a revelation that has sent shockwaves throughout the world of high finance and beyond, billionaire tech CEO, Maxwell Moolah, recently discovered that his employees actually prefer traditional currency over company-branded t-shirts as compensation for their hard work. This epiphany hit the titan during the company’s annual town hall meeting, which was attended both in-person and via teleconference by thousands of employees across the globe.
Moolah, sporting one of the company’s exclusive “We are Family, But Remember I’m the Parent” t-shirts and a matching baseball cap, kicked off the meeting with his usual vigor, extolling the virtues of teamwork and synergy while donning the apparel he assumed everyone adored almost as much as he did.
Midway through his keynote speech, the CEO opened the floor to questions, expecting the usual praises, enthusiastic endorsements of his vision, or perhaps a few confused souls asking for directions to the bathroom. Instead, Kevin from Accounting raised a question that rocked Moolah’s world more violently than a Silicon Valley tremor.
“Uh, Mr. Moolah,” Kevin started hesitantly, “Is there, like, any chance we could get bonuses in money instead of t-shirts this year? My wife says paying rent with shirts tends to raise difficulties with our landlord.”
Laughter erupted across the meeting room and into the digital ether, leaving Moolah visibly puzzled. The concept was as foreign to him as the idea of a weekend without a boardroom meeting.
“Wait, you mean to say cash?” Moolah stammered, genuinely perplexed as he looked around, hoping to find a sympathetic smile in the crowd to assure him this was some elaborate prank.
Nods and murmurs of agreement followed, with many employees chiming in to express their personal anecdotes of failed barter trades — from Jury in marketing’s disastrous car repair attempt (“Turns out mechanics don’t accept t-shirts as labor fees”) to Linda in PR’s unsuccessful exchange for groceries (“I had to leave the trolleys at checkout and ran out, hiding my company pride under my coat.”)
Feeling slightly embarrassed yet intrigued, Moolah made a rare spur-of-the-moment executive decision. “Very well,” he announced, straightening his cap, “Let’s experiment with this ‘cash bonus’ idea. But you have to promise to still wear your shirts on Casual Fridays!”
As the chat exploded with virtual applause and thumbs-up emojis, Moolah, although bewildered, made a mental note to review other mysteries such as “Why Employees Don’t Enjoy Working 24/7” and “Understanding the Fascination with Paid Holidays.”
The next day, the company’s stock saw a sudden, inexplicable rise as rumors of employee satisfaction began circulating. Meanwhile, local thrift shops reported an unprecedented influx of company-branded merchandise.
Thus, a new chapter began for Maxwell Moolah and his company, with employees eagerly anticipating their first ‘cash’ bonus in what seemed to be forever. Some even speculated the CEO might soon tackle other groundbreaking workplace phenomena, like why workers claim to need sleep or the laughably mythical concept of a “work-life balance.” Until then, life at Moolah’s company would not only be more rewarding but sportier too, as Moolah vowed that every cash bonus would still come with a complimentary t-shirt.