Physicists at the European Space Agency have announced that new measurements of the cosmic expansion rate suggest the universe is accelerating at precisely the velocity required to maintain a comfortable buffer zone between you and that person you dated in 2019.
The findings, published in the journal Astrophysical Measurements We Definitely Didn’t Do While Going Through a Breakup, indicate that dark energy is pushing galaxies apart at approximately 73 kilometres per second per megaparsec. This represents a significant increase from previous models and, according to researchers, a considerable relief.
“We’ve run the numbers multiple times,” said Dr. Emma Rothwell, lead cosmologist at Imperial College London. “Even if she moved to Australia and started training as a competitive marathon runner, the expansion of spacetime itself would outpace any attempt at an awkward reunion. The maths is really quite reassuring.”
The study analysed data from 847 distant supernovae, three space telescopes, and Dr. Rothwell’s phone, which she has checked twice during this interview.
The accelerated expansion appears to be driven by dark energy, a mysterious force that comprises roughly 68% of the universe and 100% of the reason cosmologists can sleep soundly knowing their former partners are receding at relativistic speeds.
Professor Michael Hendricks of the University of Cambridge noted that traditional restraining orders operate on what he termed “quaintly terrestrial assumptions.” His team has calculated that cosmic expansion provides a far more reliable legal framework, requiring no court appearances and operating continuously since approximately 13.8 billion years ago.
“A standard restraining order covers perhaps 100 metres,” Hendricks explained. “The universe is currently placing about 160,000 light years between galaxy clusters every billion years. You can see which option offers more robust protection.”
The research has implications beyond personal comfort. Several respondents to the study’s supplementary survey reported feeling “significantly less anxious” about chance encounters once they understood that spacetime itself was actively working in their favour.
Restraining Orders: A Comparative Analysis
Legal experts have noted that conventional restraining orders require paperwork, evidence of harassment, and the involvement of at least one magistrate who will mispronounce your surname. Cosmic expansion, by contrast, requires nothing but patience and the fundamental laws of physics.
The Hubble constant, which measures the rate of universal expansion, cannot be violated by showing up at your local Tesco. It does not expire after 12 months. It cannot be contested in county court.
“From a jurisprudence perspective, thermodynamics has never let anyone down,” said barrister Claire Weston, who specialises in family law and has recently developed an unexpected interest in astrophysics. “I’m considering citing dark energy in my next application. The precedent is literally universal.”
Researchers estimate that by the time of the universe’s heat death, your ex will be so far away that even their LinkedIn updates will have redshifted into non-existence. The study was funded by a grant from people who should really just block that number already.
