In a revelation that has left scientists scratching their helmets, astronaut Dave “Whack” Jenkins has announced that the Moon is, in fact, just a colossal golf ball accidentally launched into space by Earth. The claim comes after Jenkins noticed unusually perfect dimples covering the Moon’s surface during his recent mission on the Artemis IV expedition.
“I was taking a routine moonwalk and thought, ‘Why does this crater look like the dimples on my Titleist?’ Then it hit me – literally,” Jenkins explained, referring to a tiny rock that bounced off his helmet with an oddly familiar bounce.
The theory suggests that during an ancient prehistoric golfing event of cosmic proportions, an extraordinarily powerful Earth golfer, nicknamed “Big Swing Bart,” launched what was meant to be an ordinary golf ball with such force that it escaped Earth’s gravity, becoming the orbiting satellite we now know as the Moon.
While skeptics have dismissed the story as “whacked,” Jenkins points to several anomalies supporting his claim. For one, the Moon has the exact circumference of a standard moon-sized golf ball, and its well-studied orbit mimics the trajectory of a perfect golf drive.
More intriguingly, Jenkins posits that Earth’s tides are merely a result of the Moon’s “ball-in-play” wobble, much like the spin on golf balls that affects their flight. “Every time there’s a high tide, it’s like the ocean is reacting to a slow pitch from this giant celestial golfer,” he added.
NASA has yet to officially comment on the discovery, but insiders hint that new missions might focus on “retrieving the ball” or perhaps finding the mythical “Big Swing Bart” buried somewhere on Earth, possibly in the Scottish Highlands.
Meanwhile, golf enthusiasts are thrilled by the prospect of owning the universe’s longest drive, while conspiracy theorists are eagerly combining this with their own claims that aliens invented the sport.
As Jenkins memorably concluded, “Next time you miss a putt, just remember — at least you’re not responsible for creating a moon-sized hazard.”