In a startling move that has left the nation both bewildered and slightly more caffeinated, the country’s top cybersecurity team has advised everyone to unplug the internet to protect against an impending cyber-attack. The team, known for their cutting-edge expertise and occasionally questionable decision-making, suggested this drastic measure after detecting what they described as “the most terrifying malware since dial-up.”
The advisory came in the form of a nationwide alert urging citizens to physically disconnect their modems, routers, and any other devices that could be remotely hacked. The message was clear: “Unplug the internet. Now. No exceptions.” Reactions ranged from disbelief to mild panic, with many people attempting to comply while simultaneously wondering how they would survive a day without endless cat videos.
Meanwhile, within the cybersecurity headquarters, an unexpected crisis was brewing. In the chaos of enforcing the unplug order, a junior team member, reportedly still shaken by a recent ransomware attempt on his work laptop, accidentally yanked the power cord from the office coffee machine instead of the server. This unfortunate slip led to an unprecedented day of no caffeine, which cybersecurity analysts agree might be an even more dangerous situation than a widespread cyber-attack.
“Without our coffee, productivity plummeted by approximately 87%,” admitted the team leader, who was later seen desperately stirring instant coffee in a paper cup. “We briefly considered reversing the whole internet shutdown to get the coffee machine back online.”
As the internet disappeared from living rooms across the country, many seized the opportunity to rediscover ancient hobbies such as reading books, talking to family members, and standing by the window pondering life. Meanwhile, IT support hotlines were overwhelmed with calls from desperate citizens, most of whom had disconnected their televisions, smart fridges, and even their internet-connected toasters in a valiant but misguided attempt to comply.
Hours later, after emergency caffeine rations arrived and the coffee machine was heroically restored to its rightful place, the cybersecurity team reversed their advice, clarifying that unplugging the internet was more of a “last resort” and definitely not something an entire nation should do unless absolutely necessary. The internet was slowly restored, with many users reporting a strange nostalgic craving for offline life and others vowing never to listen to cybersecurity advice again.
As peace and Wi-Fi returned, the nation collectively awaited the next great cyber threat, hoping that whoever was responsible would at least spare the coffee machines next time.