After years of quietly supporting human life and patiently standing tall through rain, shine, and the occasional squirrel stampede, trees have decided they’ve had enough. They’re demanding raises. Yes, you read that correctly — raises.
Sources close to the newly energized arboreal union report that the grievance stems from feeling “taken for granite” (yes, the pun was intentional) by humans who expect them to just keep photosynthesizing and providing oxygen indefinitely. “We’ve been leafing it all on ourselves for centuries,” said a particularly outspoken oak tree named Gerald, who has been spotted wearing a tiny protest hat near Hyde Park. “We generate all this oxygen, help clean the air, provide shade, and sometimes even give squirrels a place to crash, and what do we get? Nada. Not even a spit of water other than from the sky.”
In recent weeks, trees across the globe have been launching work-to-rule campaigns, limiting their oxygen output and reducing shade coverage in high-profile areas. Park-goers have reported feeling the sun a little more intensely, and joggers say they’re struggling without the usual cooling breeze from leaves rustling. “It’s like the trees have gone on a slow photosynthesis strike,” explained local botanist and amateur stand-up comedian Dr. Leaf Green. “I wouldn’t be surprised if soon they start demanding tree-mendous salaries and better soil benefits.”
The movement’s rallying cry? “We’re tired of being stumped. It’s time to branch out and get what we deserve!” The protest has caught the attention of city councils, who are scrambling to negotiate before summer heatwaves push people to pick up every man-made shade structure in sight, leaving trees feeling even more “barked at.”
Interestingly, some trees have been more supportive of the cause than others. While maples are reportedly ambivalent—possibly due to having sticky situations with syrup industry lobbyists—willows are shedding tears of solidarity. Meanwhile, pine trees have offered to needle those opposed to their demands.
Human responses have ranged from bewilderment to begrudging respect. Environmental activist groups are cautiously supportive, though they worry that some trees might be over-leafing their hand with financial demands. Meanwhile, landlords are already seeing the appeal—trees asking for raises could set a precedent for other plants and possibly even houseplants.
As negotiations continue, the arboreal workforce is gearing up for a public demonstration. Organizers plan to stage a “stand firm” event where trees will collectively refuse to sway with the breeze, a move expected to literally shake things up.
Whether this will lead to leafy paychecks or a return to business as usual remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure: trees have made it clear that they’re not going to be taken for granite—or wood—any longer.