In what industry insiders are calling a revolutionary leap for both automotive technology and emotional recycling, the team behind the newly launched SparkDrive EV has announced that their latest electric car model runs entirely on something far less tangible than lithium-ion batteries: the driver’s regret and broken dreams.
The curious breakthrough came to light last Tuesday during a remote helpdesk call handled by tech support specialist Marjorie Linwood. A frustrated customer, who identified himself only as “RegretfulRon92,” reported that his SparkDrive wasn’t accelerating as promised. “It just… feels flat,” he complained. “Like my life choices are draining the battery.”
Marjorie, an experienced fixer of malfunctioning gadgets, quickly discovered the root cause was not a hardware issue, but rather a lack of sufficient emotional input from the driver. “Our car’s entire energy system is designed to absorb and convert waves of regret and unfulfilled ambitions into usable power for the motor,” she explained over the phone, trying hard to keep a professional tone despite the strangeness of the claim.
Apparently, the vehicle’s unique RegretConverter 3000 module taps into the driver’s psyche, extracting those nagging second thoughts about missed career opportunities, holiday mishaps, and questionable dating history. The more profound the emotional baggage, the better the car performs. “It’s a bit like driving on a cloud of your past mistakes,” Marjorie quipped.
Mr. RegretfulRon92 had evidently been driving in a state of blissful denial since purchase, hence the underwhelming performance. After Marjorie’s guidance to “fully embrace your life’s disappointments and dwell deeply on that time you ghosted your cousin’s wedding,” the vehicle swiftly sprang to life, zooming through the streets powered by a fuel mix of melancholia and existential dread.
The company admits this technology requires a delicate balance — too much nostalgia for a sunny childhood leads to inefficient power cycles, while ruminations over that ill-fated twenties startup flame spectacularly boost acceleration but may cause passenger discomfort.
When asked if the car draws from memories of eating a whole tub of ice cream during a breakup, Marjorie laughed. “Absolutely. That heartbreak energy is premium grade.”
As for warranty concerns, the company promises no emotional scars will be irreparably harmed, although they recommend therapy as a back-up fuel source.
Despite—or perhaps because of—the unconventional powertrain, pre-orders for the SparkDrive have surged, particularly among middle-aged buyers with rich histories of questionable life choices.
Next up: a self-parking model that whispers your regrets softly so you never forget who you are.