Yesterday, an ordinary helpdesk ticket filed by a visibly exhausted university intern has apparently uncovered what may be the most important discovery since sliced bread – a perpetual coffee machine. The ticket, submitted under the subject line “Coffee Maker Just Won’t Stop,” detailed the plight of a researcher who had accidentally created a machine that brews endless cups of coffee without a single bean or drop of water being added after the initial setup.
The ticket originated from Dr. Felicity Perk, a postdoctoral scientist in the Department of Quantum Biology, who reported, “My coffee machine is stuck on ‘on.’ It keeps pouring… and pouring… It’s like the machine is mocking me with infinite caffeine. Our whole lab is wired. Please advise.” What started as a routine support request to disable a possibly malfunctioning appliance has since spiraled into a saga that confounds physicists and baristas alike.
Internal IT specialists initially tried the usual troubleshooting—unplugging, resetting, power cycling—but the machine resisted every attempt. What is baffling is that the machine reportedly never runs out of coffee, nor does it overheat or break down. Lab assistants estimated it dispenses roughly ninety cups a day, and yet the supply seems inexhaustible.
Rumors now suggest that the machine’s ability may be linked to a recently published paper on quantum entanglement and caffeine molecules authored by Dr. Perk herself. Allegedly, her experiments inadvertently opened a tiny rift in the space-time continuum within the coffee maker’s reservoir, allowing it to draw from an infinite parallel universe’s supply of coffee. The helpdesk ticket’s notes conclude with a desperate plea, “Universe please send user manual or stop button. Current caffeine levels dangerously approaching Godhood.”
University administrators have convened an emergency meeting, largely to discuss liability concerns should any faculty members suffer from permanent hyper-alertness or develop super-speed typing skills. Meanwhile, campus coffee queues have vanished entirely as students flock to sample the never-ending brew.
The helpdesk team, now official custodians of the machine’s enigmatic powers, have established an FAQ, humorously admitting: “If anyone finds a ‘turn off’ button, please file the next helpdesk ticket immediately. Until then, proceed with caution and maybe invest in some decaf.”
With no user manual in sight and the universe seemingly unable to provide clear guidance, the caffeine saga continues. One thing is certain: science may finally have cracked the mystery of immortality—one cup at a time.