In a breakthrough that’s shaking the very foundations of office technology, a local IT helpdesk ticket has reportedly cracked the code to making printers understand human anger management techniques. The ticket, submitted last Tuesday by a frazzled office worker named Dave from accounting, has become a legend in the world of IT support.
Dave’s issue was simple, yet infuriating: the office printer kept jamming every time he was running late on a report. After several attempts to calmly troubleshoot the problem, Dave’s frustration peaked. In the midst of this printer-induced meltdown, he opened a helpdesk ticket with an unusual request—not just for a fix, but for a way to make the printer “chill out” and “cooperate” when things got hectic.
The helpdesk technician assigned to Dave’s case, known only as “Jenkins,” decided to take a novel approach. Instead of the usual array of software updates and driver reinstallations, Jenkins introduced a “communication protocol” based on human emotional cues. He crafted an algorithm that translated Dave’s voice tone alterations—detected by his computer’s microphone—into printer commands that adjusted the machine’s operational patience threshold.
When Dave spoke calmly, the printer operated at regular speed. If Dave’s voice grew tense, Jenkins’ software prompted the printer to slow operations slightly, reducing the chance of paper jams caused by rapid printing. And in moments of outright yelling (which happened more often than Jenkins cared to admit), the printer would pause, allowing Dave a cooling-off period.
The results were astonishing. Within 48 hours of deployment, the printer jam rate dropped by 85%, and Dave’s use of profanity near office equipment decreased significantly. Colleagues reported that meetings near the printer were noticeably less stressful, and some even speculated that the machine developed a subtle sense of humor, occasionally printing out jokes like “I’m feeling a bit jammed up today, isn’t it ironic?”
When contacted for comment, Dave admitted that the system “makes me feel like my printer finally gets my mood swings.” Jenkins remained modest, noting only that “sometimes, all you need is to teach an old machine new tricks.”
The IT department is now considering rolling out the anger-aware printer protocol to other departments, and corporate HR is reportedly interested in pairing it with employee stress management programs.
As for Dave’s printer? It’s still a little stubborn on Mondays, but who isn’t?