In an era where our entire lives are broadcasted, streamed, and stored online, cyber security has quickly become the new witchcraft—everyone’s heard of it, few understand it, and most are vaguely scared of it.
With cyber threats evolving at a speed that could make a cheetah envious, many have sought refuge in the traditional, tried-and-true methods of keeping their data safe. Enter: The Great Unplugging—an avant-garde, albeit somewhat anachronistic approach to cyber security.
Yes, you heard it right. It’s time to channel your inner unplugged modem and welcome back the snail mail, landlines, and that age-old past-time, staring blankly at walls. Here’s our guide to joining the unplugged revolution without needing to find dusty encyclopedias in your attic.
### Step 1: Embrace the Carrier Pigeon
Email accounts have long been the prime real estate for cyber hackers. But what if your office memos could fly instead of get hacked? Embrace the carrier pigeon network! These feathered fax machines may not be speedy, but they’re virtually unhackable (save for the rare hawk or cat attack).
### Step 2: Revive the Rolodex
Forget about password managers and security keys. Rediscover the joy of the Rolodex. Fast and easy access to all your most important numbers—unless you accidentally knock it off your desk, in which case some chaos is guaranteed. Enjoy the nostalgic clatter of flipping through cards—you might even find that phone number from college you never dialed.
### Step 3: Doughnut Donuts
Cloud storage? More like cloud insecurity! Take your doughnut delivery service offline! Convert your precious files into delicious doughnut recipes or use dot-matrix printers to output your confidential data, which can then be sorted into doughnut boxes and shipped securely to the intended recipients. Disclaimer: Ensure recipients note that the documents are not actual doughnuts.
### Step 4: Join the Semaphore Renaissance
Love staying connected at a distance? Move over Morse Code, because Semaphore is back. Equip your staff with colorful flags and employ a building-top signaling system like you’re all working at an 18th-century lighthouse. Just don’t try sending anything after sunset, and avoid rainy days unless you’re an expert in soggy semaphore.
### Step 5: Analog Dating
Tired of dating apps that not only break your heart but also your cyber defenses? Join the analog dating world. Possible avenues include walking up to a person and actually talking to them. An especially daring move might involve attributing mutual interest to dark forces, such as eye contact and facial expressions.
### Step 6: Physical Firewall
Mandatory for any devoted cyber minimalist. Construct a literal wall around the Internet router at home. For added security, utilize bricks and mortar while channeling your inner hero; best results come from a stack of bricks separated by at least two barking watchdogs.
### Step 7: Monthly Bible Club Meetings
We encourage substituting social media scrolling for holy-happening congregation events. There’s nothing quite like good old-fashioned group gossip—it keeps your life offline, private, and potentially avoids the apocalypse.
Of course, the crux of this cyber security strategy is simply remembering to plug in when the need arises or when Netflix sends you another urgent email about your viewing habits. After all, the line is thin between an unplugged pioneer and a dud with a pigeon problem.
Until then, enjoy the relief of knowing your data is as secure as it can get—unless someone invents a cyber-proficient time traveler or a wormhole to your basement printer. Keep calm and unplug on!