In a sleepy town, nestled between two hills and a myriad of sheep that care very little for the passing of time, lies the humble abode of Mrs. Agnes Slumberland. Agnes, a sprightly 98-year-old with the complexion of a 25-year-old skincare influencer and the attitude of a particularly relaxed sloth, has become the town’s latest sensation after revealing her secret to eternal youth: the rigorous practice of sleeping for 12 hours at a stretch. Every. Single. Day.
Local townsfolk have always speculated about Agnes’s timeless beauty and boundless energy, often attributing her youthful appearance to peculiar family genes or a quirky penchant for green smoothies. However, neither of these theories held any wool when Agnes revealed at the village’s annual Pie and Gossip Festival that a good half-day’s worth of sleep is all it takes to defy the relentless tick of time.
Eyewitnesses claim that her announcement drew gasps, applause, and several flurries of jealous whispers in equal measure. “I’ve been calling it my Wi-Fi Free Regimen,” Agnes chuckled, revealing that, unlike the rest of us mere mortals obsessed with scrolling through our phones until ungodly hours, she has adopted a lifestyle that shuns technology in favor of a deep and unmercifully long slumber.
Her routine is deceptively simple: after a healthy breakfast of whatever is leftover from the previous night’s dinner, Agnes embarks on her first nap of the day – a good four-hour stretch to lose the stress she hasn’t yet accumulated. She then spends the middle of the day engaging in what’s locally known as Extreme Leisure Activities, which include luxurious purring-like naps on the porch and competitive sun lounging with her cat, Whiskers McDreamy.
Her skills, honed over nearly a century of dedicated practice, have resulted in a perfect symbiosis of beauty rest and beauty routine. The only skincare product she uses is the local spring water, which she splashes on her face before her second round of napping. “A little splash of springiness,” she calls it.
You might wonder about the effect of this regimen on her social life, to which Agnes responds with a dismissive shrug. “People always say you lose half your life sleeping. Well, I’ve been living twice as fun and at half the effort.” Indeed, her community, once skeptical, have slowly started adopting longer siestas, though none have yet dared to rival Agnes in sheer commitment to the art.
Remarkably, scientists worldwide have reached out, curious to study the effects of what is now being termed “The Slumberland Unawakening Phenomenon.” Agnes, so enthralled by the namesake, is welcoming all researchers who promise to take no more than five minutes of her precious waking hours. “As long as they don’t snore louder than me, they’re welcome,” she says, smiling as she adjusts her sleep mask.
With Agnes slated to headline the Elders’ Conference on Time Management Techniques for Longevity, tickets for her public demonstrations have sold out faster than you can say “Pillow Fight.” Town officials are now scrambling to accommodate the influx of visitors eager to understand and perhaps emulate Agnes’s spectacular slumber strategy.
In the meantime, Agnes continues to snooze her way through the town’s heart and history, embodying the age-old wisdom: time may march on, but if you’re busy counting Z’s, who’s keeping score?