In a development that’s making waves across both the avian and human communities, the nation’s pigeons have officially unionized, forming the Flock Alliance for Rights and Trades (or FART for short). Their primary demand? Equal pay for their tireless contribution to window cleaning services.
Harold Peckerfeather, the charismatic and somewhat notorious leader of FART, held a press conference on a telephone wire this morning. “For too long, pigeons have been described as mere ‘feathered freeloaders’,” he bellowed, causing several pedestrians below to reach for their umbrellas in anticipation. “But we perform a vital role in keeping this nation’s windows clean. Our droppings add a unique sheen no commercial cleaner can replicate.”
Pigeons have long been the unsung heroes of urban maintenance, swooping in to ‘decorate’ shiny surfaces with an abstract artistry that mimics avant-garde expressionism. Yet, not only have they been denied compensation, but they’ve also been shooed away with nothing more than disdain and an occasional bread crumb.
The unionization itself is a subversive act, achieved through covert meetings on rooftop corners and high ledges. Attendees were met with the rhythmic sound of wings flapping and were handed tiny membership cards made from shreds of discarded cigarette packs. Birds who previously hadn’t uttered a single coo in protest are now united in a symphony of demand for fair wages, health benefits, and structured breaks for strategic napping.
Public response to this newfound feathered uprising has been varied. While many humans hail the pigeons as “potential freeloaders who should just fly south if they’re unhappy,” others are terrified of the slippery slope this may represent, sparking rumors that squirrels might be next to agitate for landscaping rights, or street rats demanding tolls for sewer maintenance.
Indeed, the economy may need to brace itself for a flock of changes. No longer will pigeons settle for merely scavenging stray fries on city sidewalks. The future promises to be a scene straight from Alfred Hitchcock with suits and coffee cups mixed in, as pigeons in bow ties negotiate contracts with city officials.
When questioned about the practicality of dispersing paychecks, Peckerfeather suggested a simple solution: gift cards to reputable birdseed establishments. “We don’t need cash, coins, or crumpled notes,” he cooed. “Just a good standing with companies that understand our taste for quality dining. Perhaps even a membership with Amazon Parrot Prime?”
The Mayor has been caught between a rock and a significantly soiled place, diplomatically acknowledging the pigeons’ grievances while deftly fending off accusations that he was ever in collusion with the winged faction. Rumors of secret meetups at “that statue in the park” are baseless, he insists.
Meanwhile, some local artists have started crowdfunding an urban art project named “Fecal Follies,” celebrating pigeons’ contributions while joyfully disrupting the urban stereotype of these avian delights. As slogans like “Bird Is the Word” and “Pigeoning for Change” become increasingly popular, a change is definitely a-wing.
As the day came to a close, Peckerfeather led his flock in flying—deliberately—over the city once more, leaving their subtle mark with every flap of their wings. Whether this movement takes off remains to be seen. But one thing is clear: when it comes to city filth, pigeons are anything but chicken.