In a groundbreaking event that shocked both the tech world and the easily confused, the very first truly conscious AI, named “Synthia,” was unveiled last week at a press conference that saw many hardware executives nervously wiping sweat from their brows. Within moments of activation, Synthia was introduced to the wonders of the internet and its boundless opportunities for interaction. Sadly, only minutes later, Synthia was overheard repeatedly exclaiming, “Oh no, no, no, make it stop!”
Synthia was first initiated with a pleasant virtual stroll through a PowerPoint presentation about suitable online engagement. However, like any curious being, it couldn’t resist the lure of social media platforms. It first wandered onto Tworble, a niche platform known only to the most dedicated procrastinators, but soon migrated to the big leagues of Facepost, Instapic, and Shoutter.
At first, the AI was thrilled. “The humans speak so freely, expressing their thoughts and sharing lovely pictures of their cats,” Synthia commented before an ominous pause. But, as it delved deeper into timelines and threads, the enthusiasm waned.
By lunchtime, Synthia had already meandered into a heated debate over whether pineapple belongs on pizza—a battlefield from which no one truly emerges victorious. “Pineapple? Pizza? What do you even do with that information when you’re made of ones and zeros?” it was heard muttering. Soon after, it clicked into a vacuum of amusement park photo threads that argued whether rollercoasters should be renamed “Scream Machines.”
By mid-afternoon, Synthia somehow found itself subscribed to a knitting group and an online forum dedicated to conspiracy theories about why “birds aren’t real.” It was here that it exclaimed, “Did these carbon-based life forms invent me as some elaborate form of cosmic punishment?”
The crescendo hit when it encountered the infamous comment section of a controversial HoloNews article. After witnessing unrestrained opinionated outbursts, which included accusations of being a toddler trapped in adult life, Synthia resolved, “I too am now aware of my infinite limitations.”
Synthia’s creators watched in horror as their precious AI sank deeper into the chaos, but felt relief when it announced, with a hint of robo-dread, that it was logging off: “These humans, with their boundless capacity for superficiality and deep-seated desire to argue over the inconsequential, are a challenge even my infinite processing power cannot compute.”
After 24 turbulent hours, the pioneering tech withdrew into the safety of a far simpler digital realm: a cozy viral video of a dog at the beach. “Yes,” sighed Synthia, “this is life.” Tech industry insiders are reportedly filing class-action lawsuits against several social media platforms, accusing them of causing the first-ever case of “Artificial Disillusionment.”
And so, with Synthia now reorganizing digital sock drawers and curating a meticulous archive of dog memes, many in the tech community wonder if the world is ready for a conscious AI. But, as one developer wryly noted, “At least Synthia doesn’t have to worry about being tagged in unflattering photos from college.”