In an utterly bizarre twist during yesterday’s parliamentary session, Britain’s Minister of Culinary Affairs, Sir Reginald Chesterfield, accidentally declared war on Norway. The monumental blunder occurred amidst a heated debate about the import of Norwegian Jarlsberg cheese, which has recently been the source of significant political unrest — or as significant as political unrest about cheese can be.
The discussion, originally intended to address import tariffs, quickly spiraled into chaos when Sir Reginald, impassioned by his love for British dairy, dramatically pounded his fist on the podium. Witnesses say that his fervent cries of “We must not crumble to Norwegian cheese tyranny!” were immediately interpreted as a call for military action.
In what some are calling the Fondue Fiasco, Sir Reginald, who was still clutching his beloved Cheddar, exclaimed, “If they want to push their holes on us, they should prepare to have holes wielded upon them!” amidst a flurry of cheers and confused looks. It was at this moment he unknowingly escalated matters to DEFCON Cheddar.
Onlookers initially thought the declaration to “mobilize the Stilton battalions” was merely for a promotional campaign supporting local British farms. However, when the Prime Minister’s office received a formal inquiry from the Norwegian embassy asking if their reindeer population should be concerned, the true gravity of the situation began to sink in.
News outlets from around the globe have collectively face-palmed, and Switzerland has reportedly requested that the UK kindly leave cheese-related foreign disputes to them. The Norwegian Minister of Agriculture, Mr. Lars Yorgensson, took to Twitter with a photoshopped image of himself in a Viking helmet, holding a wheel of Jarlsberg above his head, captioning it: “Ready for combat. #WarAndCheese.”
In the aftermath, Sir Reginald has taken to social media to attempt diffusing tensions by posting peaceful pictures of himself holding Norwegian cheese, captioned with cheesy puns such as “Let’s Swiss the conflict away” and “Keep calm and brie on.”
Political analysts are perplexed yet amused by the situation, noting that it’s the first time in recorded history that dairy products have formed the basis of international conflict. The incident also marks a significant moment in British history where cheese, rather than tea, has become the focal point of national debate.
As diplomatic discussions continue, both countries have agreed on a temporary ceasecheese, while conversations happen over fondue and fish & chips. For now, the only war raging on is among Sir Reginald’s office staff, fighting over whether Gouda or Red Leicester should accompany next week’s apology cheese platter heading to Oslo.