In an unprecedented turn of events that could easily rival any courtroom drama in the galaxy, a coalition of disgruntled aliens has officially filed a lawsuit against the entire human race. Their interstellar complaint? The excessive light pollution emitted by Earth has rendered their ancient celestial navigation systems utterly useless.
These extraterrestrial plaintiffs, identified only by a series of unpronounceable clicks and hums, hail from a distant star system known as Glorgonia-12. According to their cosmic legal representative, an otherworldly being who goes by the name “Steve” for simplicity’s sake, the Glorgonians have depended on their meticulously crafted star maps for millennia to safely traverse the cosmos.
However, over the past few decades, the increasing luminance of cities like New York, Tokyo, and Las Vegas has reportedly transformed the night sky into a hazy blur of misplaced constellations, causing chaos and confusion among traveling alien caravans.
“Glorgonians have experienced great dismay upon entering Earth’s vicinity,” bemoaned Steve, via a series of telepathic tweets. “Formerly reliable guide stars now resemble a five-year-old’s attempt at finger painting.”
The aliens’ legal team is demanding immediate action to rectify this galactic grievance, including an enforced “lights-off” policy during specified interstellar rush hours, and a comprehensive upgrade to the Glorgonian star map database, which currently operates on a software version equivalent to Earth’s Windows 95.
In response, various Earth authorities have expressed a peculiar mix of amusement and concern. The mayor of Las Vegas, a city known for its vibrant excesses, offered a concession to only keep half the neon signs lit if aliens agreed to perform live on the Strip—a proposal the aliens are reportedly considering as they have a flair for interpretive dance.
In the interim, conspiracy theorists worldwide are jubilant, citing the lawsuit as undeniable proof of extraterrestrial life, while astronomers argue that the complaint holds some merit. “We’ve long known about the impact of light pollution,” claimed Dr. Stella Nebula, chief stargazer at the Worldwide Observatories Union. “But having interstellar visitors complain about it? Now that’s a new page in the astronomy textbooks.”
For now, Earthlings are left in a strange position, negotiating what some call the first interplanetary environmental treaty. Discussions are expected to be as lengthy as they are bizarre. Meanwhile, Earth’s new extraterrestrial friends reportedly remain parked just outside our atmosphere, trying to decipher our reality shows in an attempt to better understand human culture—a venture that might just push them to reconsider ever filing a lawsuit again.
As the galaxy watches with baited breath (or whatever aliens use to breathe), one thing is certain: our place in the universe just became a bit more lit—literally and legally.