In a feat of phenomenal procrastination, Dave “The Dodger” Thompson from Swindon has set a new world record for the most consecutive excuses to avoid the gym. Over the last three years, the 37-year-old accountant has miraculously managed to concoct a staggering 1,095 different reasons to turn a blind eye to his gym membership, much to the amazement and amusement of family, friends, and bewildered gym staff. Dave’s journey to this achievement began innocently enough with the classic, “I’ll start on Monday,” followed swiftly by “Everything is sore,” referring to an injury sustained during a particularly intense Netflix binge session. But it soon spiraled into a masterclass of dodging legendary enough to leave even the most seasoned procrastinators in awe. “I ran out of clean socks,” claimed Dave on one occasion, despite owning what experts describe as “a sock drawer of infinite depth.” On another noteworthy morning, he insisted, “The dog ate my gym schedule,” although his household is decidedly pet-free. His creativity reached new heights with such gems as, “I can’t possibly work out today, I just ate a banana,” and, “The stars are not aligned for weightlifting — Mercury is in microwave.” His wife Clare, both perplexed and impressed, supported this record-setting venture. “I’ve seen Dave tell our three-legged cat, Sir Limpalot, that he’s the reason for missing a gym session. It takes a special kind of talent to regularly bypass exercise this effectively.” Amused gym manager Elaine Styles said, “We’ve all groaned at the sight of his sneakers, still looking brand new after three years. But hey, we’re business people, and technically, Dave’s a regular customer – just one we never see.” To celebrate his monumental achievement, Dave organized a party but quickly canceled it, citing, “The weather can’t decide between rain or shine, and I’m too emotionally invested in this meteorological drama.” Nevertheless, he plans to frame a grand certificate, forged with sweat and tears — neither of which were shed inside the gym. While some might criticize Dave for his persistent inactivity, the man himself shows no intention of slowing down. “Life is a marathon, not a sprint,” he says, ironically proud of the marathon he metaphorically runs avoiding actual physical activity. And so, with inspiration struck, Dave’s monumental legacy lives on, bench pressing our spirits toward new horizons, even if he never raises a dumbbell himself. As he compiles a fresh list for next year’s campaign, we anticipate more of what makes him the legend he is today: a tireless dedication to evasion, all while remaining shrewdly out of breath.