An intergalactic diplomatic incident has erupted as a coalition of alien species has sent a strongly worded message demanding an official apology from Earth. The grievance? Humans have apparently disrupted the entire Milky Way’s celestial harmony by haphazardly flinging space junk into the cosmos, causing a galactic traffic jam and, allegedly, minor fender-benders in other star systems.
The missive, delivered via a mysterious crop circle in the shape of a frowning emoji, accuses Earthlings of treating the galaxy like an oversized landfill. “Not only has the junk disturbed the space-time continuum, but it has also clogged up hyperspace lanes, resulting in severe delays on Route Nebula 42,” an alien spokesperson telepathically broadcasted to a few confused cows in rural England.
According to the extraterrestrial communiqué, the amount of discarded satellites, tools, and oddly enough, a surprising number of Tesla cars floating adrift, has grown to such proportions it’s begun acting like a cosmic Roomba. This unauthorized planetary vacuum cleaner has unceremoniously gathered debris into a massive orbital mess—a cosmic clump the aliens have dubbed “Galaxy Gunk.”
“As a result,” the aliens write with interstellar indignation, “the naturally spiraling orbit of the Milky Way has developed an intergalactic limp, and we demand immediate restitution.”
When questioned on the specifics of their demands, the alien spokesperson mentioned an “official apology” which must be endorsed with signatures from a representative cross-section of Earth’s species, including a raccoon, a llama, and at least two species of beetle. Additional reparations would involve the commissioning of an interplanetary waste disposal team, ideally led by a human named Jeff who apparently owes a favor to a Venusian prince after an unfortunate poker game.
NASA, caught off-guard by this cosmic critique, is hastily planning a mission dubbed “Operation Clean Sweep,” hiring the world’s top vacuum cleaner salesmen to draft the schematics for the universe’s first celestial decluttering device. “We admit, we might have gotten a bit carried away with our space explorations,” a NASA spokesperson conceded. “But frankly, who knew the Martians would take issue with a floating 2001 Toyota Corolla?”
Back on Earth, the mainstream media is having a field day, running headlines like “Et Tu, Sputnik?” and “Aliens Likely to Unfriend Earth, Sources Say.” Pundits are conjecturing whether an official planet-wide apology is feasible, with speculations that most governments are unprepared for such existential blame-taking.
In a rare moment of interplanetary unity, a human Twitter user suggested turning the apology note into “an EPIC movie script” to ensure Earth gets out of trouble by means of the universal Open Mic Night. Meanwhile, Elvis impersonators from Area 51 are reportedly preparing to host a “Sorry, Not Sorry, We’ll Do Better” musical telethon broadcasted on the Cosmic Channel 42.
At this moment, the world hangs in suspense, awaiting the potential arrival of an intergalactic envoy—a heavily armed diplomatic delegation that might include a few disgruntled Venusian beings with clipboards.
In any case, humanity is buckling down for what’s sure to be a long, embarrassing venture toward galactic amends. Until then, residents of Earth are advised to keep an eye on the skies…and dodge any falling Teslas.