In a groundbreaking development that has left both the automotive and fitness industries scratching their heads, scientists from the Institute of Goal-Setting Procrastination (IGSP) have unveiled their latest creation: a self-driving car with an unshakeable determination to reach the gym but a complete inability to complete a workout.
Sleek, shiny, and stocked with motivational bumper stickers like “Glutes Before Suits” and “Feel the Burn, Baby,” this cutting-edge vehicle has been marketed as the ultimate tool for those who desperately want the health benefits of exercise without enduring the actual sweat. Aptly named “The Intention Mobile,” this car promises to revolutionize how we pretend to get fit.
The idea emerged from IGSP’s extensive research into human behavior, which concluded that a remarkable 82% of people who purchase gym memberships eventually transform into professional gym avoiders. “We thought, why not design a car to emulate that exact behavior?” boasted Dr. Phil Usin, the lead scientist behind the project. “With The Intention Mobile, our goal was to deliver the experience of going to the gym, complete with the smell of a freshly blended protein shake wafting from the air vents, without the burden of actual exertion.”
The innovation lies in the car’s state-of-the-art navigation system, which is meticulously programmed to detect nearby gyms, ignore parking spots within a five-mile radius, and circle those fitness palaces like a majestic eagle eyeing a treadmill-shaped snack. Once the gym has been located, the car cleverly parks in a spot that provides a perfect view of the establishment’s entrance, allowing the owner to gaze endearingly at their aspirational destination without even spilling their premium organic kale smoothie.
IGSP’s state-of-the-art sound system serenades occupants with motivational one-liners delivered in an upbeat yet mildly sarcastic British accent. As the vehicle arrives at its designated parking spot, phrases like “You would definitely be lifting those weights if they weren’t covered in imaginary germs” and “Your yoga mat deserves a rest day, too” are piped in, bolstering the owner’s deliberate sabbatical from actual physical activity.
Consumer response has been mixed. While some rave about the car’s unparalleled ability to dodge any real calorie-burning experience, others have voiced concerns. One early adopter, Nancy Biceps, lamented, “I spent fifteen minutes circling the gym’s parking lot and never lifted anything heavier than my guilt-ridden conscience!”
Despite the mixed reviews, IGSP remains confident in its product. Future enhancements include a “Meal Prep Detector,” which automatically reroutes to the closest fast-food joint, and an “Inspirational Instagram Feed” that displays a live feed of people who actually broke a sweat today, giving passengers a sense of solidarity with their inactive peers.
In a particularly ambitious move, the engineers are also working on a premium line called “The Resolute Resolution,” set to be released just in time for New Year’s. This upgraded version will feature a subscription to a mysterious online fitness coach who only shows up in infomercials, ensuring that users will start their year with an impressive plan they never plan to follow.
As the world of self-driving vehicles steers toward the horizon of the future, IGSP invites us all to embrace our inner couch potatoes, proving once and for all that you really can have the best of both worlds—minus the sweat. And after all, isn’t complaining about not being able to use that gym membership a workout in itself?