In a bold move set to revolutionise the way the UK handles its legislative process, the Prime Minister has announced a groundbreaking plan to dissolve the traditional parliamentary system and replace it with a single, all-encompassing group chat. Sources close to the PM reveal this decision was inspired by recent technological advancements and the government’s ongoing desire to cut costs by any possible means, no matter how absurd.
Dubbed “Chatliament,” this innovative approach involves all 650 Members of Parliament being added to one giant WhatsApp group. In a bid to keep discussions as lively as they traditionally are in the House of Commons, each MP will have an exclusive set of emojis that they can use to express support, opposition, or devastating sarcasm. Gone will be the days of lengthy debates; instead, political disputes will now be settled with a well-placed GIF or a strategically-timed “lol.”
The PM assured citizens that the system would maintain all the usual political niceties. The House of Lords, or as it will be known in its new digital format, “The VIP Chat,” will remain a separate group. This ensures that the ceremonial nods and important reminders of their aristocratic status are preserved, albeit now in the form of lavishly curated Bitmojis.
Technical details are still being ironed out. The main challenge in the beta test, dubbed “Project Emoji-crazy,” was ensuring that all MPs could manage to hit “mute” when tired of hearing about the rising price of avocados. To date, only 23 MPs have managed to download WhatsApp successfully, sparking intense debates over whether a step-by-step tutorial should constitute a new Education policy.
Security is, of course, of utmost importance. The entire system will be safeguarded with the most advanced online protection available: the promise that nobody will ever leak screenshots, regardless of how juicy, embarrassing, or potentially scandalous they might be. It’s believed that all MPs will adhere to the group’s strict code of honour, the same one that prohibits them from reading official reports without skimming through to the juicy bits.
The Prime Minister also highlighted the inclusivity of this new approach. “Finally, we’ll have a political system where everyone can actually read what’s going on, provided they don’t mute the conversation for an entire year,” the PM commented, adding that any debates resulting in a tie would be resolved by a Fortnite dance-off in the virtual lobby.
Public reaction has been mixed, with some citizens welcoming the idea as a modern and more accessible approach to governance, while others express concerns about excessive use of the poop emoji during serious discussions on fiscal policies. However, one thing is clear: this new political era is set to transform traditional political engagements and usher the UK into a brave—and possibly bizarre—new world.
As the curtain closes on the age of long-winded debates and infamous political blunders, millions are eager to see whether democracy can truly flourish through the widespread application of stickers, memes, and disappearing messages. In the meantime, citizens are advised to stay tuned as the first official test of this system is scheduled for next week—the grand opening featuring a debate on whether pineapple belongs on pizza. Now that’s what you call a national dilemma.