In a groundbreaking move that has stirred the corporate world into a frenzy—and inexplicably caused competitors to start googling the benefits of shuteye—the CEO of SlumberTech, Inc., Olivia LeZzzz, has unveiled a new initiative aimed at boosting productivity: mandatory naps for all employees. The announcement, made over a week ago, was met with mixed reactions, primarily because half the company was already snoozing through it.

Reports confirm that during the highly anticipated announcement, the IT department was deeply invested in their own REM research, and the marketing team was collectively dreaming of hitting their next big campaign target—literally. LeZzzz, undeterred by the symphony of snores echoing through the meeting room, pressed on, detailing her vision of harnessing the power of catnaps to increase efficiency.

“Our greatest resource is our people… quietly dozing through company meetings,” LeZzzz stated, accidentally banging a gong as she turned to demonstrate the new office nap pods, ingeniously dubbed ‘Sleep Cabins.’ These high-tech contraptions resemble a cross between a futuristic cocoon and a toasted marshmallow, designed to cradle employees into a productive slumber. “With these, we’ll dream our way to the top of the industry.”

HR has reportedly embraced the initiative with open arms (and an eye mask), drafting new policies that include snooze schedules and sleep performance reviews. Employees are now evaluated on their ‘Creative Dream Contribution,’ a metric that uniquely quantifies how much one’s naps contribute to innovative problem-solving: if you didn’t patent the idea in your sleep, did you even nap correctly?

But this seismic shift in corporate culture hasn’t been without its hiccups. Just last Thursday, the finance team attempted unconventionally to process expenses while mid-power nap, resulting in several bar tabs being erroneously filed under ‘essential office supplies.’ Meanwhile, Janet from accounting valiantly offered to “take one for the team” by extending her nap hours into overtime, purely out of commitment, of course.

The new policy has caused a ripple effect beyond the office. Competitors have been spotted yawning suspiciously more often in public, and coffee sales have mysteriously plummeted—as have the once-perennial debates over the efficacy of energy drinks in employee wellness.

Critics, however, are still on the fence, pointing out logistical challenges such as nap pod occupancy disputes and unavoidable groggy disputes over blanket rights. The office has even resorted to implementing a ‘Pillow Playbook,’ creatively resolving issues through rock-paper-scissors-lullaby contests. For now, ‘nap task forces’ are in charge of ensuring fair naptime distribution until peace treaties are settled.

Olivia LeZzzz remains optimistic. Her strategic snooze initiative shines as a beacon of the future workspace, where dreams are quite literally part of the job description. As employees settle into their new work-nap balance, the company eagerly anticipates the next quarterly report, hopefully measuring up to LeZzzz’s bold, albeit sleepy, vision. As a wise person probably once said in their sleep: “You snooze, you profit.”