In an intergalactic twist that has left Earth’s hospitality industry in a frenzy, it seems our extraterrestrial neighbors have taken a leaf out of the influencer playbook. Reports indicate that alien entities are demanding five-star reviews for their cosmic Airbnb listings, threatening to blacklist Earth from future cosmic vacation hotspots if their demands are not met.
The message was relayed through a series of mysterious crop circles and skywriting visible only at two a.m. during a new moon, adding a touch of mystery to their already perplexing ultimatum. The cosmic communiqué was accompanied by a holographic presentation featuring alien hosts showcasing their properties — boasting zero-gravity poolside lounging, stellar views, and occasional wormhole excursions to neighboring galaxies.
Professor Zog Blornax, a self-proclaimed ‘Alien Relations Influencer’ who runs the YouTube channel “Zogsplaining the Universe,” shed light on the situation in a recent video entitled “When Aliens Go Karens.” According to Blornax, the aliens are frustrated that Earthlings, who have been testing interstellar travels under the guise of “probing” (note: Earth scientists still deny any direct involvement), have been a bit stingy with their reviews.
“They’ve hosted numerous secret travelers from your planet over the millennia,” Blornax explained between sips of his neon-blue smoothie, believed to be Space Matcha. “They’re just tired of the three-star reviews that say things like, ‘The place was amazing but too much dark matter in the closet’ or ‘The Milky Way pancakes were great, but the space-time bed and breakfast had too many wormholes for my taste.’”
In a shocking twist, the review demands were accompanied by actual reviews given by aliens visiting Earth’s own accommodations. The feedback ranged from “Charming rustic feel, but excessive gravity and humidity ruined my tentacle styling” to “Lovely location, would visit again if it wasn’t for the Earth’s overly chatty seagulls.”
The global hospitality industry is in disarray, with luxury hotel conglomerates and budget hostels alike struggling to figure out how to retroactively review the alien abodes. In a bid to appease their cosmic clientele, a coalition of hotel managers have proposed an International Five-Star Day, encouraging humans to leave universally positive reviews. Social media influencers have taken up the call, filming themselves attempting to float gracefully in their living rooms while leaving heartfelt reviews about the “spaceships’ out-of-this-world decor.”
Meanwhile, tech companies like GalactiReviews™ have sprung up overnight, leveraging encrypted galactic transmission technology to ensure that these celestial critiques reach their destinations faster than the speed of light—or, at the very least, faster than your average pizza delivery.
For now, the fate of Earth’s interstellar tourism hangs in the balance. Will humanity submit to the demand for stars—literally—by delivering sparkling appraisals, or will future vacations involve nothing more than the local planetarium? Only time, and perhaps a few more astronomical phenomena, will tell.
As Professor Blornax succinctly put it, “Let’s just be grateful they’re demanding stars on a virtual interface and not with their far-superior intergalactic weaponry. A good review costs nothing, but a planetary blockade? That could really rain on our parade.”